I think I’m fucking gone, rolling on this floor 

Messing up your carpet
I’ll get on it after four more 

Sessions of the strong on your floor 

Should have fucking pulled, but I fucking rolled 

Feeling like a million bucks before 

I walked through this door 

When I walked through your door 

Can’t believe I made it 

But I made it that’s for sure 

For sure 

Your loving 

I need more 

I need yours 

She ain’t looking for that unconditional 

What the fuck these bitches on? 

They want what I’m sitting on 

They don’t want my love 

They just want my potential

it’s probably time to pick my camera back up. the feeling is there again

rainy days in the city 

It’ll always be Grace

Attachment theory is an interesting thing to say the least. They say that there are 4 attachment styles. Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. It’s the most absurd thing to even pretend that there is something as Secure as attachment. 

Attachment - a strong emotional bond between two people, or the process by which that bond forms

A strong emotional bond is never secure. There is no perfect combination of emotion. 50/50 doesn’t work because both parties aren’t giving it their all and if two people are half-assing it then you’re missing out on the spice of life.  On the other hand, 100/100 doesn’t work because if you give someone your all, you’re permanently vulnerable and at some point 100 leads to burn out.

The fearful and avoidant attachments are how we know we’re in a place of no return. When you struggle with trust and have issues being close or emotionally intimate then one day you realize you can’t do without the person. You’ve accidentally grown to only trust one person and anything worth saying is only meaningful if they hear it.

All the while, the anxious attachment makes us feel alive. It’s what makes us try to keep the spark alive, why we celebrate anniversaries and valentines day. The feeling that we can get abandoned any day is why we try so hard to keep the fire burning in love.

So don’t tell me about security when there will always be ‘the one that got away’ but next time you meet them and they “warn you, I’ll break your heart” you can look confidently and let them know its “already broken”

anatomically a bumblebee’s body shouldn’t work. the wings are too small, the body is too big but it flies. be the bee

til death do us art

“I fear the day when the technology overlaps with our humanity.” - Albert Einstein

Contrary to what it might insinuate, this isn’t about my fear of AI and it’s impending end of humanity. This is about the fact that every picture you see has good lighting, everything is curated, everything is edited, everything is the algorithm. ‘We used to be a proper country!’ Where you could post a random moment in your life without it having to seem so perfect. They say with time the definition of art changes but I don’t think the feeling ever does. We want things that make us feel because it reminds us that we’re human. I think that’s what I’m chasing. Authenticity and feeling frozen in time. 

•• this will now be my inspo scrapbook akin to my @risingsmind page

Why were Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde stories about villains or Batman a vigilante?

I’ll never understand it because to me it’s much harder to wear two faces than one. Bear with me because I know this seems like it is going to be some existential piece about identity and the necessity of being yourself. Although that is a great topic, it’s one for later. I am here today to talk about work life imbalance.

One of the hardest things that I ever decided to do was to go out and pick up a $1500 camera and say “yeah this is what I’m going to do with my free time.” But at the same time, it was the most rewarding. Many people have something they rather be doing than their 9-5 and although that is not completely the case for me, photography was that thing.

The issue arises when you are at your 9-5 thinking about photography so much that you start watching YouTube videos, looking up shoot ideas, or talking your visions out with people and then forget that you are literally getting paid to do something completely different. Not to mention that feeling that you get that if not for your 9-5 you would be able to completely put yourself behind the camera and on a leap of faith it would take you so much farther than anything else. In this situation, I don’t know what’s more scary, the thought of making it or the thought of not. As contradictory as it sounds, success can be scary; what if I make it and it’s not what I thought it would be? How will I ever fund a full career out of this? What if I get bored of this 10 years down the line? These are all questions that I ask myself when people say “well where do you wanna take this photography thing?” That being said, I like my job. I work in tech and help design PCs so I get to learn a lot more about things that I use everyday as well as be involved in some of their creation but also I can see a future here. Not necessarily in the company alone but in this industry, I will never get tired of technology (i.e. Photography) but there are many places I can go with it. Heck, I can even be VP of production for Nikon in the U.S. wink wink if anyone who works there is reading this.

Remember that balance is a thing.

I guess what I am trying to say is that for everyone that is doing more than just their 9-5, keep on keeping on. Something has to pay the bills but something also has to fill your heart. If it is important to you then keep at it but remember not to overwhelm yourself. The other day I went to a conference room to answer a Facetime call to plan a shoot I’m working on and realized this is not okay. Find a good middle ground or even make a schedule for when you will work on what. Obviously work at work, and outside of work if need be but just allot sometime to put your passion first and work on it. Once you have a schedule you should also include downtime, if you are always either working on your 9-5 or on your passion project you will never make time for yourself and for relaxation and if you’re like me that means YOU WILL CRASH.

••

Weirdly enough, I started this piece before the Covid-19 Pandemic that we’re in but as for me it holds true more than ever. I am fortunate enough to be able to work from home during this crisis but at the same time, it feels like my workload has increased exponentially because of it. I have some days that literally go 7-7 and then I go on to read my textbook about digital electronics so I can finally understand something at work lol. But at some point in the day I start thinking to myself, “I am at home all day, so I can work on my blog, plan photoshoots, look at new fits, learn piano finally, cook new things, check in on everyone else, learn the market, and workout. ” I don’t know about you but that is a lot and although I don’t have a schedule down pact, it took me some time to realize that this too will pass so I don’t have to do everything but everything that I can do, I should plan it out well and pay attention to my health most of all. I can’t let impatience get the best of me regardless of ambition and you shouldn’t either. That’s enough from me for now so I’m off to take my own advice and make a schedule, until next time.

My beloved T-Rex says Grown Man Bars is something you gotta deal with.

If you don’t know where this is from, then this is not the post for you at all. Music is the soundtrack to my life is the most cliche thing I’ve ever heard but there’s nothing more true. There is something special about hearing lyrics to a song that makes your heart feel something different. The ability of an artist to use instruments, lyricism, and melody to remind everyone that we live on the same planet and often experience the same things in different bodies is something truly special and a talent not innate to many.

Many people say that music saved their life. Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was unanimously acclaimed as the album of the decade because of the impact it had on many people. That album inspired many people to pursue music be it on the artist side or on the production side. There are many people that say that they were going through a dark time and it made them feel heard in a time when no one else did. Now I won’t say that it was that drastic for me but it did make me pay more attention to the art of album making especially on the production end because no other album in my opinion experimented that much with sound and made it work with great rapping accompanying it.

On November 15, 2011, Drake released Take Care, his Grammy nominate album, for the world to consume. Prior to this, I was always a big music fan and a big Drake fan but this changed the way I viewed music. They say the consumption of music is different for everyone because of the factors that play a part in when and where you hear a song. When this released, I was young, impressionable, and going through the roller coaster of emotions that came with being a high school teenager which made this album very important to me. This really instilled the fact that music is spoken art to reflect the life you live and everyone should find their way of expression.

My favorite R&B project of 2019 had to be Chixtape V. It’s crazy because living in the south now, not too many people are familiar with Tory Lanez or the Chixtape series. I felt like I was introducing them to a whole new wave of music whenever I mentioned it. The music was amazing, the transitions between songs was magnificent, and the skits were always Tory’s strong point. I listen to that album to this day and still feel like it wasn’t given the respect it deserved. The thing about this one though is that he got the artists to do the songs with him. Outside of the wonderful music they are making, this means he would make practically no money from the sales because of publishing and sample clearances but he made this for the fans that truly appreciate it and that kind of dedication must be respected.

I can go on and on about music but to keep it short, there is not a moment of my day that I am not doing something music related. Be it listening to music at work or at the gym or at home or listening to a music based podcast such as The Joe Budden Podcast or Stay Busy with Armon Sadler to get my daily music intake. I love debating new music in different genres and being introduced to the great up and coming musicians especially rappers that focus less on the popularity and more of the art like Griselda , Jacques Laine, and Asoh Black.

So feel free to tell me your songs of the month and why?

Austin Fashion Week 

So boom, I wanted to add another element to my photography by transitioning more into fashion photography. I had no idea where to start or what that even entailed. I followed all the high fashion magazines that I would like to shoot for in the future like Vogue, Essence, Harpers Bazaar, etc and looked through their posts to get some ideas of what fashion looks like.

But as life would have it, in comes Keir.

Keirsten Howard is a brand wardrobe stylist and creative director that’s very fashion-forward and heavily involved in the Austin community. She reached out and let me know that we would be missing NYFW this year BUT what we can do is bring it to Austin for a new experience. To bring this idea to life, we sat down at a coffee shop, which have proven to be very productive places, and spit-balled ideas at each other. Once we were aligned on what kind of theme we wanted, we shared possible models with each other and agreed on who we would reach out to in order to help us with the shoot. We then created a Pinterest board and used it to get some shot ideas of what we wanted; so shots of people walking, shots that highlighted the accessories, and shots that made sure the viewer saw that we factored in the location in our shoot plans. 

We shot all of these photos over the course of two days working with various models. Our outfits had to:

I’ll let you guys decide on if we got it right or not or even how I should have improved it. All in all, this was a very enjoyable shoot to do. It was my first step into fashion - focused shooting and I hope to get more opportunities that allow me to explore this new interest.

Goddess February 27, 2020

So one day I was scrolling through twitter and I saw a woman laying on clouds. I felt like the shot spoke to me and eventually inspired my first creative shoot. Before seeing the shot, I just bought my outdoor lights and this was my first chance to use it.

I got to work immediately.

I started by messaging multiple models on Instagram and asking them if they’d be ready to make my vision come to life. I went online looking for places to get cotton to use as clouds and looking for fabric to make cloth from. After a couple of no’s, and a few “I’m too busy” responses, I got my good friend and great model, Jay, to work with me.

Next was picking a location. I picked Bull Creek park because I was familiar with its beauty, previously shooting there. I knew about the rocks, I knew about the running water, and the mini waterfall which would make for a perfect background. In my head I didn’t know how 1 + 1 becomes 2 but it was worth the try.

I worked with Jay already, which produced one of my favorite shots to date, so I knew she was very reliable (which is important in a model) and would put effort into her costume. The day of the shoot, she came in an outfit made out of fabric and it was a much better job than anything I would have done. She also made a golden apple which added to the goddess aesthetic that we were attempting to achieve.

The stage was set and the people were ready.

Little did we know that setting up our soon to be clouds would be the most tedious process ever because we placed them on the river. As the river ran, so did the clouds so we used the rocks that were there as a barricade to make sure the clouds didn’t get lost downstream leaving us responsible for global warming. In addition to this, as I set up my light stand, the wind was telling us we shouldn’t be there because it fell about 3 times. Eventually we were able to weigh it down long enough for us to get our shots and move around. All in all the experience was definitely one for the books and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

P.S. I might have gotten sick from walking around barefoot in that freezing temp water.

Fashion Killa, Jiggy …February 06, 2020 in Lifestyle

They say fashion is the ultimate form of self expression and I’m learning to express myself.

Growing up in New York City, fashion was at the forefront of everything. It began in middle school where you had to wear uniforms and the future fashionistas of the world would freak the fits and turn their uniforms into something you’d never imagine. Then in high school, you had the freedom to wear what you want and that’s when things got really important. If your outfit did not match your shoes or the outfit was just bad in general, they would “cut your ass” (basically make you feel as if you should have never picked your own clothes in the morning). For a small period of time the entire high school fashion culture was who could wear the most name brand things. This was big in the time of A&F, Hollister, Aeropostale, etc and Ralph Lauren actually graduated from my high school so Polo was the top of the food chain.

This soon turned into the trend of creating your own outfits through pieces and developing your own sense of style. This was always great to see ; from the fur tails on book bags in Brooklyn to the skateboard props , style was growing.

Now as an adult, I am getting into my own sense of style which I want to be centered around the idea of the gentleman. More built on dressy clothes or business casual outfits but still able to freely create outfits out of anything in my closet. This is time to test my fly as well as showcase those who inspire me and my fashion sense both male and female.

Lights, Camera, Emotion February 10, 2020 in Photography

A picture is worth a thousand words so welcome to my essay. So this blog page won’t really be for photography, I already have a place to showcase the pictures. This is more for creative direction. Here I will explain how I offer photography or videography solutions not just clicking the shutter. I will be explaining how I solve my clients problems and meet their media requirements.

The hardest part about Photography to me is that it’s not for me. I have had one of my pictures go “viral” and truthfully I don’t think it was the best picture I’ve shot by far. Some of my favorite pictures often get overlooked or don’t get the audience reaction that I think it will get and when stuff like that happens it’s easy to get in your head. So often I say to my confidant “I think I’ll just pack it up and just stick to engineering” and I need that reminder that when I picked up a camera it was not for other people, it was because I enjoy holding on to emotion.

I got into photography because it really reflects me. I like to make people smile and make them happy and the purest form of happiness is the one that people find in themselves. In addition, it is a way for me to really show the thoughts of the mind. The concepts that come out in photo shoots and the different ways that people look at life is what really makes it all worthwhile. The ability to take a thought, visualize it, and create is the complete essence behind life itself. That’s why I am focusing more on fashion and editorial style shoots now because I get from them a specific this is it feeling that isn’t created but rather captured and held in glass.

So watch how I bring life to this world.

February 03, 2020 in Lifestyle

I started this post completely differently when I wrote it initially then Kobe passed. LeBron was always my favorite basketball player but Kobe was the one athlete that I respected the most in my life. When he stepped on that court the 24 on his back was the embodiment that we all have 24 hours in the same day and that he made his count. He gave every breath of his life to dedicating himself to his craft and after he retired he made sure to instill the same work ethic in his children. This is in no way a memorial for him because it would be doing him a disservice but a reminder that the only difference between where we are and where we want to be is how hard we work for it.

You know when you want to do something new you get that feeling. You know the feeling. The one that starts in the back of your chest and creeps up your neck to the back of your head. It starts saying things like “Oh no, I’ll never be good enough,” “what If I try it and nobody likes it?,” “so many other people are doing it already, I’m too late.” or my personal favorite “nah that’s too much work.” To all of those and to that feeling the only thing I have to say is (excuse my french) FUCK THAT.

I am a firm believer in the notion that in order to love life you have to live life. You should not let the fear of failure or anything stop you from doing what you enjoy. No two humans are created the same, not even twins, and that is everyone’s power. So forget the doubts, the distractions, and the naysayers; go and do everything that makes you happy and makes you, well you. Live a life that when your time on Earth is done, you can look back and say “Damn, that was fun.”

That being said here I am taking my own advice. I am a photographer ( even though I am only now being comfortable saying it out loud) but I also love music, fashion, fitness, and traveling. This is my digital scrapbook where I can explore all of my interests and passions and hopefully inspire someone else to do the same. Idk how any of this is gonna work (especially the fashion part lmao) but as one of my favorite people usually says “we gon make some shake.”

So Clear Eyes, Hearts Full, Can’t Lose. Lets get it.